We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
