I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
