My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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