I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
