I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
