Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
