you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
