She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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