1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
