After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
