How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
