I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
