There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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