Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
