Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
