you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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