I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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