my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
