Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
