I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
