Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
