you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
