I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
