omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
