hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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