in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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