I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
