it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
