he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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