what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
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