Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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