Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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