oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
