I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
