Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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