You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Just invented taco cereal.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
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