You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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