I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
