Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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