I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
