Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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