I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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