I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
