So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
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