Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
