WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
