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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
