Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
