we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
