seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
organizing the empties. That sober.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
