I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
